a word on australian candy

I am rather proud to say that I come from a long line of women with a taste for the sweet and savory things in life. I mean this literally, not in any figurative sense. My grandmother, for example, would infamously go out to dinner in order to have two desserts. She'd simply opt out of the main course and go straight for the good stuff.

Needless to say, this is the sort of behavior that I both admire and emulate.

... and which is probably the reason why I love Australian junk food so much. I mean, not just love, but really, really love. I hate to say it, but candy and snacks in Oz taste so much better. I'll always have a soft spot for my American staples -- Twizzlers, KitKats, Nerds, and Skittles -- but man, I've got to hand it to the Australians. They have edible treats figured out.

My first experience with Aussie junk food came during a trip to the local Woolworth's. In America, Woolworth's was once a junky dime store, but in Australia, it's a run down grocery store chain. Nothing special, except it's where I first discovered the joy of Curly Wurlys.

And oh, dear god. Curly Wurlys. There is nothing better on this Earth.

I bought one at the recommendation of a friend, ate it in about two bites, and then went apeshit and bought a handful more -- which promptly went down my gullet and in to my Curly Wurly bloated stomach. This is the sort of snack that, if discovered by the American masses, would send our obesity rates soaring over the edge. I'm not even kidding. They're that delicious and maddeningly fattening.

A Curly Wurly is simple a braid of caramel covered in chocolate. It sounds so uninspired, yet somehow manages to be ridiculously delicious. I assure you that no trip to Australia is complete without indulging in at least a bagful of these goodies. They're also inexpensive (around 60 cents), and a great way to feed yourself on the road when you're on a tight budget. Maybe not the healthiest choice, but they do give a mild energy boost.

My next major junk food discovery was the rather dismal sounding Burger Rings. I was a little apprehensive before trying a bag, but once I popped one tangy round burgery bite in to my mouth, I couldn't stop. It was a repeat of the Curly Wurly situation. Burger Rings are delicious, folks. You eat one, you'll soon have noshed your way through an entire bag.

You've been forewarned.

The closest American relative to the Burger Ring I can think of is the kind-of-disgusting tasting Funyuns, otherwise lovingly known as 'those faux onion rings'. There's really no comparison, other than the fact both are named after fatty types of food and boggle the mind as a concept. I mean, BURGER RINGS? Seriously? (But yes. Seriously. They are good.)

Then it was on to the ever popular and perennial Aussie favorite, Toobs. This well named snack are tubes of cheesey goodness. Kind of like Cheetos, only better. You can stack them on your finger, pretend they're rings, and then eat them off. It's childlishly amusing to flash your 'bling' around on your hand and then turn around and nibble them off.

The best way to enjoy these treats are while sitting in front of the television. I discovered this fact with a female friend I made in Australia. One evening we decided to have a junk food binge night. It was an excuse for the American (me) to eat "cultural food" and a reason for the Australian (my friend) to eat the fattiest, greasiest junk to be found in Australia.

We made an evening out of our noshing fest. We lined up some back episodes of America's Next Top Model, settled on to her comfy couch in front of the television, and sat back and ate all evening. We didn't even have dinner -- we just ate pure crap. It was wonderful. By the end of the evening we were surrounded by a sea of wrappers and empty bags that smelled faintly fart-like. (Burger Rings do not make an appetizing smell, despite their delicious taste.)

Of course, I didn't stop at just Toobs, Burger Rings, or Curly Wurlys. Other shout-outs I'd like to give to delicious Aussie candy:

Cherry Ripes (cherry + chocolate), Flakes, Picnic Bars (mmmm!), and my favorite, the Cadbury Turkish Delight. Also, the one treat I didn't try but that had the best name of anything I've ever seen: Golden Gaytime Ice Cream.

Just remember, it's not good unless it's golden AND gaytime. Or a Curly Wurly.